Waiting, waiting, waiting…
That’s how I’ve been feeling for the last few months – and now, it’s possibly time! Any day now. I am overwhelmed with emotions at this point in pregnancy. Things I was not-so-worried about are suddenly coming to the surface as my main concerns. The biggie… obviously, is laboring itself! I felt confident in managing myself through this, up until the last few days. It now terrifies me!
Feelings of unpreparedness and anxiety are also becoming a focal point of my thoughts around this time. I am so thankful that my mother is here! Just having her presence in the apartment has made the anxiety and concerns I have feel less consuming. Knowing I have someone who’s done this 5 times over (practically an expert), who is there to answer my 1,000,000 questions at any time, has been such a blessing.
I’m not sure if this is normal, but whenever my body goes through something slightly unusual, I panic. I think, “Could this be it?” or “Is it happening now?” The feeling generally passes and I then go on with my day, until some other little thing happens. I clutch my belly each time I sneeze, and wait, wait, wait… just in case, that was enough to send me into labor.
There are so many pregnancy symptoms that people don’t talk about too… things that shocked me, because I would experience them before knowing they were actually quite common. I’ll just list a few of my faves (wink, that was sarcasm)…
Vaginal Nerve Pain (this shocked me the most)
Nausea (no, not morning sickness)
Painful Tingling of Hands & Feet
Dry Mouth (from taking a multitude of medications)
Dizziness & Blurred Vision
Stretch Marks (in places, I never imagined)
Severe Shoulder & Back Pain
Insomnia (this one has been huge for me)
Generally, some of these you would expect as normal pregnancy symptoms, but not until I was actually experiencing pregnancy myself did I realize that ALL of these can occur in one single day, often multiple at once. Repeat this day after day, for months… and you may now understand why us “pregnant people” are not always sunshine and rainbows all day, everyday. Haha.
I am a big believer in other people keeping their pregnancy opinions to themselves, unless asked. And this is the one thing that I struggling with most emotionally throughout. Working in retail, I had people I’d never met before constantly telling me I was, “Huge” or “Am I sure I’m not having twins?” or “You are going to have a massive baby, you should consult your doctor”. It drove me mad. These comments were so much more frequent than the odd compliment. When a stranger says “You’re glowing”, even though you know, you’re not!
It was a bit of a shock to have people say things to me, and offer their advice (even when I didn’t ask for it). But the closer I get to the finish line, the less I seem to care. I just want to have and hold our little baby girl. I want to get the final intense pain over-and-done-with so I can enjoy feeling human again. And not being the focal point everywhere I go. I want to be a mother. I want to dote on my daughter and I want to feel physically like me again.
I want to meet our little Bunny.
I’m not saying pregnancy is bad and you shouldn’t do it. I will admit though, it has at times made me consider whether I would have more children naturally. Our original plan of adoption was looking pretty good at times. But I am so certain the reward at the end of pregnancy, a happy, healthy bub, is worth all the pains and discomfort, beyond words. But it certainly has not been, in any way, how I had imagined…
But then again, the best things rarely are.
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